On the fence.

Carter and I are often asked when we plan to have a second child. Savannah is almost 18 months old and everyone always points out that we don't want our children too far apart in age. I always respond with some sarcastic answer. I look to Carter and questioningly ask, when does my birth control expire? in 3 1/2 years? Perhaps we will try then. This always makes people uncomfortable and they drop the subject, which is the accomplished goal of my awkward answer. First I want to rant a little. I would like to point out that it is absolutely no one's business as to when and how far apart I want my children to be in age. Thank you for your opinion but I don't recall asking. I've always said I didn't want my children more than 3 years apart at the most. Which means Carter and I would need be trying for our second child around the time Savannah turns 2. Which is in 6 1/2 months. Probably the scariest thought I've had in months I must admit. Recently it seems we are getting that question more and more. When are you going to have another one? My sarcastic answer is becoming less funny and more scary since it realistically isn't our plan. I hate this question people. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Got it? Okay good. Rant over. Now for the whole reason I felt I should write this blog post. Recently this question came up again. I happened to admit that I would like another one at some point but the Idea of dealing with a newborn and a toddler at the same time has me scared out of my mind. So scared in fact it has me often thinking the selfish thought that I don't want another one because I can't do it. It took me sooo long to figure out how to take care of Savannah and myself. I'm pretty sure I lived in only pjs for Savannah's first year of life. Doing my hair and makeup was out of the question. My skin was awful when I got pregnant and it still is. I loved my daughter but I hated myself. I looked awful all the time. I recently have been doing lots of things to make myself feel better about me. I have purchased an entire new wardrobe of clothes, I dyed my hair and I refuse to leave the house without looking my absolute best even if it takes 2 1/2 hours to do so. Much to the annoyance of my poor husband. So when this question came up yet again I wanted to run. Instead I teasingly turned the tables on my husband asking if he was even ready for another one. His response shocked me. Yes. He said yes. Wait what? I didn't know that. Then I felt uncomfortable since it was clear to everyone in the room that he was ready and I was sitting there in shock that my husband wants another baby and I don't. At least not right now. Am I selfish? Am I a horrible person? I thought a lot about it the next day. I prayed about it, asking if I was wrong to not want a baby yet, or if I am and my fear was just holding me back. I asked for a sign. Carter and I hadn't really had a chance to talk yet so that needed to happen. What about school, and his job? Money? Can we afford another baby? Do we have room for another baby? What about Savannah? Will she love her new sibling? How do I handle two little ones? Savannah is a handful. Most days I can't keep up with her. My house looks like a tiny tornado struck all the time. And that's just with one. What happens when Savannah has a pal to help destroy all of mommies hard work while she napped? Can I take care of two kids and myself? Then I started to think about how Christmas is coming soon. This year it will be just us and Savannah, but next year? How fun is it going to be to watch Savannah help her little brother or sister open their gifts? I got on Pinterest and looked up fun ways to announce baby #2 to my hubby and to everyone else. I looked up fun big sister kits to give Savannah in the hospital. I'm not saying it's going to happen anytime soon, but I was happy to find I was excited about the idea of kiddo #2. I'm warming up to it more so than I have in months whenever I was asked. It's still a hard question to hear especially since now I know Carter is ready to have one whenever and I'm the one holding us back, but at least now I know the idea makes me happy and excited. Scared but happy. I look at other parents with more than one kid and wonder how in the world do they do it? I think I'm going to be okay though. I'll figure it out, I did the first time around didn't I? I've got tons of help from friends and family if I need it. I have an awesome and loving husband who is just the greatest dad in the world. I love watching him with our daughter and it makes me happy to see how excited he is discussing giving her a sibling. I kinda wondered if Carter's excitement was that sign I asked for. It actually makes me want to be ready for another one. I don't know where I will be with this question when Savannah turns 2, but at least now I have the reassurance I'm not alone. I can do it and it's not wrong to ask for help. I have Carter, he is my rock. He seriously is just the greatest guy I know and the worlds greatest dad. Yeah yeah its a cliche, but in Carter's case it is the absolute truth. So when we decide to have another baby I know I have him to support me and our family. And that's all I need:)